An Ode To Fraternity Culture
The following document is a written account of the experiences I had while interacting with the wildest species spread across Northern and Central America. This article is sponsored by the psychology department, due to the inherent need for more data and information on this particular species. It is my duty to report a content warning for those who wish to continue reading… this might kill some of your brain cells.
Hello. And welcome to my in-depth study of the frat boys.
It is very easy to spot the all-American frat boy. You must simply take a whiff of the air around you and follow the scent of arrogance and unwashed hoodies. This might lead you to the doorway of a large house with blaring music and LED lights of multiple colors. Do not be alarmed by this! Due to the inability to make conversation, they must prepare their surroundings to be able to entertain their guests. I know what you’re thinking - is that not all university students? I mean… string together a hundred 20-year-olds with nothing to do, unlimited freedom, and their parent’s money for alcohol - even the ones that are having intellectual conversations are simply doing it to get laid. But no, the frat boys can be identified with their obsession with greek alphabets. If you hear a “Beta” “sigma” or “phi” in any sentence, you can be sure that the boy you are speaking to is about to invite you to their territory - the fraternity house.
Now the frat house is a historical landmark at most universities. It is the site where the boys come to learn more geography than they ever will due to the wide range of themed parties - from Hawaiian luaus to toga parties to Caribbean nights! Oh no, you do not need to know the history or culture of these themes, the trick is to dress up and remove all unnecessary items of clothing - just enough to not get arrested for walking naked on the streets. However, once you enter the frat house, do not bother about the cops. You can always be 100 percent certain that someone is doing something more illegal than you are.
Infiltrating the frat house was tricky. I had to make sure I was drunk enough to tolerate the sheer mindlessness that enveloped me, but not too drunk that my data-gathering skills end up in the toilet, just like most people after chugging one too many. One of my team members, who was helping me gather the data, did not make it… you see, the screening process to get inside the frat house requires you to
Have a vagina
Be intoxicated
Be a frat boy yourself
Sadly, my teammate, who wishes to remain anonymous, did not meet any of the 3 conditions. The alternative would have been his head… flipped upside down shotgunning beer from a keg and left somewhere in the bushes.
Once I made it into the frat house, I was pleasantly surprised by its organization! I divided the boys into three distinct categories.
The fourth years: who are picking up the crumbs of their GPA, waiting to graduate, and quite frankly are totally saturated with the frat culture
The second and third years: the worker bees. They spend their time recruiting new members and pleasing the fourth year in hopes that they will conquer next year. Such wonderful aspirations right? They form the bulk of the frat house.
And lastly the first years: they are the fresh meat straight out of high school. I hate to be crass in my language while writing such an empirical study, however, they are the frat house bitches.
Need a drink? Ask the first years! Need someone to finish homework? Ask the first years! Need an average-looking dude to spend the night with? Well… you can ask any frat guy for that, but you get my point. In my expert opinion, it is this hierarchy that has sustained the frat culture for so many years. I mean, why else would anyone go through initiation?
Initiation for a frat boy is like the LSATs for a lawyer, except a little more hectic. While the LSATs mentally exhaust you, initiation physically kills you, in order to ensure you become a soulless creature with the ability to be the biggest jackass (important side note: this doesn’t apply to all frat boys, just the ones who choose to act on this ability). Here are some of the quotes I gathered during my research
Frat boy #1: initiation night was… hell. Worst night of my life but totally worth SIGMA BETA PHI! SIGMA BETA PHI! SIGMA BETA PHI!
Frat boy #2: pfft, initiation was a breeze. I just had to jump off a roof, sit balls deep in ice for 4 hours and run across the library naked. I mean, I’d do that on a regular day.
Frat boy #3: initiation? You’re a chick you cant ask about that… but come to my room and I’ll tell you ;)
As you can see, the community is quite reserved when it comes to information about their initiation, however, I think we all get the general picture.
At this point, one of the kind members of the frat house handed me a red cup filled with (what I hope was) beer. Now, I was told by many about the dangers of drinking alcohol at a frat house, however, for research purposes, I found it very necessary. I discovered that the frat boys hydrate with two main drinks
Beer. the number one essential and must-have at every frat house. If the fridge is not stacked with beer on a daily basis can you even call it a frat house? This drink is needed for the holy grail game of drinking culture - beer pong.
Vodka: were you impressed when you heard Jesus turned water into wine? Well, frat boys take it one level further by filling every water bottle with vodka. I learned this the hard way while choking on a slice of pizza and charging for an unattended bottle only to discover a shockingly bad burning sensation in my throat.
Unfortunately, the events following my sampling of drinks are a little hazy. Sometime after “icing” a Smirnoff bottle and cannonballing into the pool, I found myself slowly passing out on the sofa. As the aroma of burnt-out cigarettes and vomit from the previous party whiffed through the air, I knew my night, as well as my data gathering, had come to an end. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, we will discover the hidden aspects of the unique phenomenon that we call a frat boy. One day, we will be strong enough to penetrate the frat house without getting piss drunk and sustaining our levels of consciousness throughout the night. One day, this unique species will be brought to light, and this time, they won’t be the LEDs.
